The first rule of investing is not to lose money. The second rule is not to forget the fist rule!
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make.
Profit is only made after all your positions are closed
Money is always there, but the pockets change.
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Bull Market is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
The safest way to double your money is to fold it and put it in your pocket.
Always play with other people's money!
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Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. |
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
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| A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught." |
Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second ... |
| When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is! |
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. |
| I really didn't know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here's what happened. There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A's on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store! Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed. "Ed," I said. "I'll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million." |
| STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth Rs. 100 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth Rs. 10. |
What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?
In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool. |
A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"
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Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?
A. Not many of them were willing to go long.
Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?
A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute. |
| A new investor had just come in to see a famous stockbroker. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" said the investor. "Of course," the stockbroker replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is," said the stockbroker, "And what's your third question?" |
| Why is advice so cheap? Because supply always exceeds demand! |
| How many investors does it take to change a light bulb? None! The market has already discounted the change! |
Can I Have a Push?
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. |
| Remember the First Law of Economics: For every economist, there is an equal and opposite economist--so for every bullish economist, there is a bearish one. The Second Law of Economics: They are both likely to be wrong! |
A man walking in the countryside meets a shepherd and a big flock of sheep. The man tells the shepherd: "I will bet you 1000 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "855," says the man. The shepherd is amazed, because this is the exact number. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take a sheep." Man picks one up and starts walking away. "Wait," shouts the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation!" Man says "OK." "You are an economist working for the government," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you conclude to that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you!"
A study of markets usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is yesterday!
A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today! |
| The First Law of Technical Analysis: For every analysis, there exists an equal and opposite analysis. The Second Law of Technical Analysis: They're both wrong! |
| A banker walks into a pizzeria and orders a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?" The banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry. You'd better cut it into eight pieces." |
| Why has astrology been invented? So that market technical analysis could be an accurate science. |
| Three market analysts went out hunting, and came across a large bear. The first analyst fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second one fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third analyst didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" |
| Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so. "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!" |
